Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
