If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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