Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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