You can't special order awesome
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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