I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
