Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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