You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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