Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
