I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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