my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
