I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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