Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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