I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
