i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
