You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
