help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
