I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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