The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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