Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
