I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
