Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
