$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
