Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
