I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
