They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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