Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
