So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
