I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
