yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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