I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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