just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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