Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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