sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
