this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
