Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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