So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
