My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
