two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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