The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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