this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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