Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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