You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
