I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
