anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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