I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
