Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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