So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
