Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
