just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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