I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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